veritable cornucopia

the best sign ever

2006-08-30T13:14:27Z

A POUND OF GOD KNOWS WHAT
Originally uploaded by conradh.

Truly, I do not want to fall into an elitist-thinking trap, wherein I contend that hard-working, short-on-cash people should ALWAYS buy brown rice and tofu in bulk in order to Fight The Power and also not die young, but every time I go past a McDonald's or a Church's or a Taco Bell and see masses, MASSES, of customers slamming down inert, perfumed foodlike substances created in laboratories across this great nation of ours, my heart dies a little.

done!

2004-05-12T18:12:42Z

interview went well. more tk

I forgot to say

2004-02-11T15:10:15Z

I went friends-only months ago...so if anyone should happen to stumble upon me and want to read further, just let me know and I'll friend you. Unless you are a serial killer or something.

from a childfree web site i love

2003-11-26T20:34:24Z

Preparation for Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for potential parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for materinity, put on a bathrobe and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at midnight and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First, buy an octopus and a drawstring bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Plymouth Voyager. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Blue's Clues, Barney the Dinosaur and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing "I Love You, You Love Me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

sesby @ 2003-11-26T15:16:00

2003-11-26T20:19:34Z

Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a
good communicator. Incredibably loving and
loyal when your trust is gained and you are
fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is
in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river
but nobody truly knows you.

What's your element
brought to you by Quizilla

everybody! read!

2003-11-26T16:32:22Z

http://slate.msn.com/id/2091475/

calling all michael jackson fans..

2003-11-20T17:49:18Z

i need to interview one from south carolina. does anyone know anyone?

sesby @ 2003-11-11T12:00:00

2003-11-11T17:02:43Z

You're WOMYN. You've got the whole mellow and chill
attitude going on, and lots of chicks dig that.

What kind of lesbian are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

from www.internalmemos.com

2003-11-06T21:38:17Z

From: Sanders, Joseph
Sent: Monday, July 29, 2002 6:38 AM
To: Unix Team MSP; NT Support; Network Support
Cc: Selzler, Galen
Subject: Star Wars figurines

Hello,

To those of you who this doesn't apply to, I apologize in advance for including you in this e-mail.

To the person (or persons) who finds it funny to repeatedly position my star wars figurines in inappropriate positions, please stop. The note I put there requesting this to NOT be done was not a challenge for you to do it again, or to see how grotesque and inappropriate you could get. In all
seriousness, I ask you to stop. I find this extremely inappropriate, distastefull, offensive, and in no way, humorous. If this continues, I will report this to HR. Please, understand that I don't take this lightly and ask that you respect my wishes on this.

Again, to those of you who are receiving this, and have had nothing to do with this, I apologize.

I believe the perpetrator(s) is a member of one of these teams, based upon previous actions of this nature.

Joe

posted on a wiccan web site:

2003-10-31T16:36:28Z

Request for Watery Ritual Work (Oct. 27)

As you know, much of southern California is burning. The fires, some of them arson, are burning all around the Los Angeles Basin and down into San Diego as well. People and both domestic and wild animals are losing their homes. Would you please do some water magic, rituals, or spellwork on behalf of people of all faiths, domestic and wild animals, trees and plants and gardens, and the hills. You might want to sing James Taylor's song, "Shower the People," and visualize the shower being actual rain as well as love. Many thanks!

from the s.f. gate

2003-10-24T14:35:07Z

Now is the time. The National Rifle Association is the group. Their weird,paranoia-thick blacklist of thousands of famous names is the place. And oh my yes, you need to join in.

This ain't just any blacklist, mind. This isn't BushCo carefully marking down, in his most favoritest red crayon, the hundreds of millions of names of those who oppose mindless imbecilic wars. This isn't Lynne Cheney making note of all media outlets that have pointed out how her daughter is a devout lesbian and sending each of them nasty little notes threatening to refuse them access to Dick's secret underground love bunker.

This is an epic, absurd, wondrous, seething, beautifully detailed 19-page beast of a thing, a true monster list packed with the names of an incredible assortment of top-shelf celebs and organizations and columnists and artists and
activists and publications and corporations from all corners of the culture. Are you on the list? No? What are you waiting for? After all, it's incredibly easy to join.

Simply put, the NRA's "most hated" list consists of anyone who has at any time and in any way opposed the organization's gun-lickin' agenda. Translation: anyone who has ever supported antigun legislation or safety locks
or the Brady bill or the assault-weapons ban, or even mentioned that they thought America's fetish for violence and guns might be a bit, you know, excessive and dangerous and spiritually devastating -- perhaps followed by a
casual mention that they, like most of the civilized universe, think Charlton Heston is pretty much a crusty gun-sniffin' loon. Yep, that would do it for sure.

Oprah. Britney Spears. Bruce Springsteen. Julia Roberts. Sean Connery. Mike Myers. Julia Ormond. Mary Lou Retton. Matt Damon. George Clooney. A&M Records. The American Academy of Pediatrics. NBC. Stonyfield Farms Yogurt. The American
Medical Association. The St. Louis Rams. Motorcycle Cruiser magazine. Hallmark. All on the list. And that's but a fraction.

Religious organizations and doctor's groups, children's-advocacy groups and fashion designers and the YWCA and a thousand other names, a veritable cultural smorgasbord, a huge and impressive cross-section of the nation, all on the list of those the NRA has to really, really watch out for lest they start banding together to imperil your God-given right to blow the living crap out of people
with a 9mm Glock.

And you might think, glancing down the list, that it's just comical and sad how the nation's most powerful and paranoid gun club sees no self-mockery in this, no hint that in creating such an impressive catalog of its "enemies" and
revealing just how extensive is the list of intelligent and thoughtful and creative people and organizations who all find some sort of fault with its gun-fetishizin' agenda, they might just be revealing how pitiable and warped
their cause actually is. You might think.

You would be very wrong. NRA Rule #1: Abandon all sense of irony and perspective, ye who cock 'n' load here.

This is what makes the NRA the NRA. This is why people join. That sense of being intensely persecuted by those outside their club. That bitter resentment at all the so-called liberal bias aimed at them, a feeling that no one understands them or their love of guns and that everyone is out to get them and desecrate their beloved Second Amendment, and therefore all the NRA's oppressed AWM (Angry White
Men) gotta stick together lest Barbra Streisand swoop in and take away all their armor-piercing ammo.

And, furthermore, goes the NRA thinking, if everyone's not armed to the teeth at all times in every situation, why, some masked Laotian gangbanger will almost certainly break in to your tract home and steal your depressed teenage daughter
and buzz-cut her hair and make her listen to lots of Indigo Girls. Guy's gotta be prepared, right? High five.

Maybe you are not on the NRA's list just yet. Maybe you want to join the blacklist and add your name to the thousands who look at the NRA and feel, well, not really anger, not liberal outrage, not even mistrust or disgust.

But more like this overwhelming sense of sadness, and embarrassment, and twisted empathy, this acidic knot in the gut at all the ignorance and misinfo the NRA seems to wallow in and engender in its members, what with the 32,000-plus
gun-related deaths in America every year, even as the NRA actively works to reverse the assault-weapons ban in Congress and absolve gun makers and dealers from any liability and protect your right to buy the same high-powered Bushmaster rifle used by that murderous D.C. sniper.

Because remember, to extend the NRA's favorite saying, guns don't kill people, gun-happy sociopaths weaned on ultraviolent media coupled with the NRA's very brand of fearmongering and paranoia and intolerance and anticultural loathing kill people.

You want to be on the NRA's list, even if you're not famous? You want to be an honorary member, in spirit, right alongside Maya Angelou and Jack Nicholson and the Kansas City Royals? It's easy! Here's how:

-- Laugh at fear. First and foremost. The NRA really, really hates this, when you are not afraid of "furriners" or gangbangers or drug dealers sneaking into your suburban home at any moment to molest your goldfish and hold a sari to your
head and make you praise Vishnu.

-- Refuse myopia. It ain't Us vs. Them. It ain't Guns vs. Hugs. It ain't Kill-'em-all vs. Can't-we-just-be-friends. No one says skeet shootin' ain't fun. No one is trying to take all the guns away. Just the ones that shoot 100 rounds per
second and can take out a tank at one mile and can wipe out a playground full of screaming kids in eight seconds.

-- Make a note of how in one recent year, guns murdered four people in New Zealand, 19 in Japan, 54 in England, 57 in Australia, 66 in Switzerland, 151 in Canada, 373 in Germany, and 11,798 in the U.S. Note how the NRA hates stats like
this. Send this note to all your friends, using the subject line: "Fun data to toss around at a GOP party or when scoring Vicodin for Rush Limbaugh."

-- Applaud loudly at the end of "Bowling for Columbine," which does more to bind the NRA to America's culture of fear and hate than any movie in history, and makes former NRA chief Charlton Heston look far less like a macho gun-gropin'
hero to be cheered, and more like a sad, woefully uninformed curmudgeon to be pitied.

-- Note, finally, that the NRA blacklist is positively teeming with people and organizations that do tremendous good in the world, poets and artists and comedians and healers, promoters of peace and well-being and education. Choose
to become one of them, participate in the culture of creation and juicy positivism as opposed to one of fear and ammo and a warped vision of the U.S. as this modern, hyperviolent gun-totin' Wild West.

Voilè! -- the NRA will automatically assume you are a vile tofu-suckin' liberal threat to the sanctity of deadly handheld weaponry, and, much like the vast majority of the positive and less gun-obsessed world already is, you'll be on
the list in no time. And, really, who wouldn't want to be?

attention: boot lovers and those who know them

2003-10-23T15:05:38Z

i need to find someone to interview for a story about boots. any kind of boots. why do you love them, which are your favorites, etc. pretty standard. help?

Margaret Cho wrote this. I wish I had.

2003-10-21T20:37:56Z

People get so pissed off at Ann Coulter. I never really saw her before, but when her name is mentioned in my circles, muthafuckas go off. I realized I needed to do some research on her. Generally, I will read everything and agree somewhat with everyone, even extreme or stupid points of view, because anyone that can get it together to write a book is kind of cool. The worse the author is, the more I enjoy it. Schadenfreude never fails to capture me in a web of desire. I got that "You got me at 'Hello'." - feeling when reading the forward for SLANDER, written by high ass junkie pill popper Rush Limbaugh. I cannot believe that he was able to put sentences together while on all those fucking drugs, which explains his chaotic and disturbing point of view and therefore makes him an incredible idiot savant.

I dove into Ann's writing, which was a cross between bizarre accusations about liberal politicians and psycho babble hyperbolic lies that make no sense. The conservative men love her, because she is a loyal slave to the status quo. She is Cunta Kinte. As well as betraying her gender, as a notoriously anti-feminist woman hater, she is also racist, homophobic, without compassion, inhumane, arrogant, dishonest, contradictory, not funny, has an arguing technique that compares closely to "I know you are, but what am I?", wears red leather miniskirts and is just plain fucking wrong. I cannot even quote her because everything she says is too awful for me to write. All this and she isn't even hot. If you are going to be wrong, at least be hot. I am guilty of some of the biases that Ann is, but in reverse. My prejudice and hatred of the establishment, the judicial system, anti- abortionists, racism, misogyny, the integration of church and state - can spiral downwards out of control, and maybe my facts could be discounted and I could be called a liar as well. But I don't give a shit, because at least I am hot. I know I may not be traditionally pretty, but playas line up around the block to make some time with me, and they aren't even getting it right then. The line is just for the wristband, yo. The hotness is not about age, looks, body type, race - it is about honesty, knowing who you are and being who you are, without trying to front like you are better than you are. It is about the down deep authenticity of self, then living it, loving it and looking it.

If Ann were hot, then I could excuse some of her behavior. She only goes to the safe end of her sex appeal, ever so slightly, flossing a North Beach leather mini with her long legs and crazy anorexic body. If she had some integrity, she would go get some straight up phat silicone titties, and part her blonde hair in the middle, take two Velcro rollers and make those stripper forehead curls that make the boys say "Whassup Shorty!!". If she had blonder, bigger hair, that would certainly add credibility to her conservative politics and her robotic upper class bigot never-had-any-shit-come-down-on-them-like-a-hard-rain-so-why-should-they-care-about-anyone-but-themselves values. She cannot spit her ignorant angry rhymes successfully with that beige lawyer lipstick. Ann needs to get some Revlon's Cherries in the Snow, the ho's lipstick of choice. She is a ho in sheep's clothing, and it is about time she told the truth, the ho truth, and nothing but the truth. There is nothing wrong with docking cock for the things you believe in, but don't play the thinking man's bombshell with me. Because she doesn't think and she is not anywhere near being the bomb and I just wish that she could be detonated and explode. But the only way that she could blow up is to face the porn movie 70s dicksucking muzak and own up to her politico prostitution. I am a ho, for the people, and I love that, and I am proud, because I embrace my ho side, and never try to pretend like I know everything about everything because I don't. I don't have to front, because I actually care about people. I believe in equality for everyone. All I ask for is that. And it is not possible in the America we live in, for a million reasons. Ann being one of them. She won't put 'em on the glass, so she is not qualified to throw stones.

surprised and moved

2003-10-20T15:10:29Z

i went to a reading of "the laramie project" at shandon presbyterian church last night.

it was spectacularly well-done, even more so considering the fact that they have almost nothing in terms of stagecraft, lighting, or space. it went for a full two-and-a-half hours, and people were in tears by the time it was over.

what was like a hand around my heart was this: the audience was full of older, conservative-looking people i would have sworn were anti-gay if i saw them on the street - but by the time we got to the panel discussion and Q-and-A period, i knew i was mistaken. these people were open-minded, open-hearted, compassionate, and honestly wanting to learn more about homosexuality and tolerance. the pastor was the same.

i think i've found a church there, though i will continue to visit the greek orthodox parish. the breeks will never have me heart and soul; they can't - because while they want me, they don't want me how i am. i just got the monthly bulletin from holy trinity, which included a full-page statement from the bishop saying that the church cannot and will not bless same-sex marriages. ever. no discussion. homosexuality is equivalent to fornication and adultery and there will be no re-consideration of this position.

and thus, the presbyterians fill another pew.

a must-read

2003-10-15T21:09:56Z

http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=16938

sesby @ 2003-10-15T15:36:00

2003-10-15T19:38:08Z

You are a banana! Good job, captain obvious.

which rejected character are you?
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choices

2003-10-15T16:08:30Z

paint colors (outside and in; main shade and trim)
fixtures
flooring
brick or vinyl? (brick is $4800 extra, so fuck it)
hardwood all through the house, or carpeting in the bedrooms?
wood or metal porch railing?
is a jacuzzi tub worth an extra $1200? probably not.
bathroom, kitchen colors?
what is all the pink stuff in the attic?
why does "escrow" sound like an unnatural act?

sesby @ 2003-10-13T17:28:00

2003-10-13T21:30:43Z

I have two speeds: Panic and Coma.

sesby @ 2003-10-13T14:56:00

2003-10-13T18:58:25Z

You are Juan Moreno!!

Which Completely Random Person Are You!!
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big cats; small cats

2003-10-07T15:18:11Z

OK, maybe Roy Horn didn't exactly *deserve* to be mauled by a tiger, in the same way a person who sits in the sun slathered in baby oil doesn't *deserve* to get a sunburn. Both, however, have greatly increased their chances of meeting those fates.

Tigers are great big wild animals who live outside and stalk and kill other great big wild animals. Tigers eat flesh. Tigers are not for us to play with.

Housecats are, though. My cats are my devoted fans - when I get up in the morning, they're thrilled. They follow me around like mini-paparazzi without cameras. They wait outside the shower for me. They follow me to the coffeemaker.

To them, I am Elvis. Or even Jesus. I am inexplicable, all-powerful, all-knowing. The food dish fills and empties to my every whim. I dunk them in the sink - their worst experience -and they have no idea why, yet they come back to love me some more.

clothes, cont'd.

2003-10-06T14:58:42Z

remember the woman who sits next to me and never shuts up? this morning when i came into work, she looked at my outfit and laughed openly.

i am wearing a black-and-white, belted, button-down 1950's dress, a black cardigan, and a pair of knee-high doc marten boots. she is wearing a t-shirt with the company logo.

the mall.

2003-10-06T14:27:11Z

I needed a denim skirt. I needed one because i have a bunch of cool patterned tights and boots as befits a fashion avatar of the mainstream press, and the only way to make interesting items stand out is to pair them with uninteresting items such as a plain denim skirt.

Here is what i saw at the mall while looking for said denim skirt: A COMPLETE MARKETING RAPE OF ALL THAT WAS EVER COUNTERCULTURE, EDGY, EYE-CATCHING OR ORIGINAL.

Case in point: Loose Lucy's. Long sheer skirts and cotton embroidered shirts dresses up to look like what your mother wore to art class in 1969, only the embroidery was done in China or Mexico by, like, five-year-olds, and the material is premeditatedly soft instead of being worn soft. Liberal bumper stickers collide with wannabe rasta hats and funky things to keep your weed in, only they're not funky and no one will use them for really GOOD weed.

And another: That store that's sort of like Abercrombie & Fitch, but it's not. What the hell is the name of that store? Super-low lighting; super-loud music, 12-year-olds trying on pre-shredded jeans and faux-70s t-shirts while their 40-year-old-mothers whip out the plastic and their fathers look at DVDs next door.

And, of course, Hot Topic, the Poseur Capital of the World. Not that I don't shop there for the occasional leather bracelet or pair of Dickies, because federal law states that all lesbians must own these items or be subject to penalty, but the expensive Kurt Cobain and Good Charlotte shirts - not to mention the slick vinyl boots and brand-new studded belts -make me want to drop to my knees and give up. Because The Gods of Mass Marketing own every jot and tittle of the American landscape and there is no hope.

huh.

2003-09-26T20:14:23Z

The blog-gender-analyzer thingy says I'm 58% masculine.
Well, it can just suck my cock.

it's time

2003-09-24T16:04:54Z

I am going to BUY A HOUSE.
Huzzah!

yeee-hah (or, in Greek, "Opa!")

2003-09-22T14:42:10Z

Things Southerners would never say:

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.